prayforjapan

There I was, sitting at my desk, trying to finish up drafting/never-endingchecking/pondering on my circular (ha, mine) when I heard news of a second earthquake, and felt incredibly sad for the people in Japan.

If you only live once, are you to live your life more or less responsibly? Because if you try to live life to the fullest (and therefore less cautiously) then it means things don't matter so much (because you are being careless), and therein lies the irony of treating life carelessly by living life to its fullest.

I hope we get through this.

On a lighter note, I think I should quit Coke. It's not doing late night wonders for me anymore, and actually makes me feel like puking, blah.

and away we go

THELONGWEEKENDISHERE:)

so I woke up too late to go buy any snacks/mags/cupnoodles (we are, afterall, poor working girls) and im just in time for eug's dad to come pick me up. I did go get macs breakfast though. Its still on my table, hm dont really feel like macs these days.

I realised I didnt have enough money for the trip, and so I started looking into my ang baos. I found a stack (I think, from last year) and began opening them (still unopened!). My mum has this quirk where she thinks if you keep the ones from the current year it'd bring you good luck, so I try not to touch the angbaos from this year. (they're in ringgit anyway). Well so I opened one angbao after another and they were all dark red notes, and then I saw two blue notes.

Then I realised that angbao was probably from my grandmother, and well how different things are just about a year ago. I'm not particularly sad, because I think it brought us closer together. Now my uncle tries to replicate her cooking, and its rather heartwarming (and quite delicious) if you knew how alpha he actually can be.

I'm keeping that angbao a little longer for keepsake. But I really do need the money so, thank you Grandma!

in the wee small hours of the morning

i woke up today, and the air was cold. there was a nice cool breeze blowing through my living room. the sun looked strong, and i made iced milo for breakfast. all morning i felt a sense of nostalgia- as if it was the december holidays and my mum was going to bring me to some cool place today, probably tangs to see the christmas decorations or the science centre.

i let that feeling of nostalgia linger on for a little longer, before it disappears and i have to start my revision for the day.

i dont want to fall apart today or ever,

today i realised how i love my friends very much and that im very lucky to have such good friends to hang out with and talk about everything under the sun with. school's a bore and my grouses about it never ceases; but my tiredness dies with good company, even if its over kfc and toomuchcream strawberry shortcake. i cant wait for the rest of my life to start ;)

a triangle trying to squeeze through a circle

to be honest i was quite happy to go to school; home was boring me and i wasnt doing anything productive. now that im back in the system i find that i just go back to my old ways.

today we were learning about Singapore's Criminal Justice System and a Senior DPP even dropped by. but further into his lecture I realised- the 97% conviction rate is and will be so because of the system. the prosecution has an upper hand and crime control is simply an efficient yet heartless way for a criminal justice system. its not just the fact that we dont have the right to remain silent (silence may be inferred as a guilty conscience; this is shared in uk as well); but more on the various presumptions made against the defendant and the lack of rights that is accorded to the accused. true, i dont know enough to do a comparative study, im merely sharing an intuitive feel i got at the lecture. sure the justifications for the various measures were, well, well justified; but they are that. a utilitarian system is truly flawed and even as i marvel at Bentham's intelligence, I seem to see more faults than not with the principles and system of utilitarianism.

but as judy turned to me to lament about the lack of fundamental liberties, i explained to her the crime control system that singapore employs; and after some discussion i say "well that's just the way things are."

it seems like i will be saying that alot more in the future?

trouble been dogging my soul since the day i was born

i zonked out at 1030 last night and woke up at 530 this morning. its been raining since yesterday here in london, so pretty gloomy day to be studying so hard.

but this morning i opened my email and i saw a link to a website from dear nab;) i glad for that timely reminder (not that im studying so hard i havent been having fun, last night we did carbonara and watched ami) to, well, take a step back and have a good look at the bigger picture, at life.
end of life issues have always been hard for me (cue: medical law; greys). but as i watched the videos i felt as if i was infringing on their privacy. their love for each other seemed like such a private matter, something too private to be shared perhaps? just like how i felt when i was reading a book on love letters by erm i cant rem who now.
beautiful nonetheless, and somehow addictive. it almost feels like you're doing something you shouldnt be doing. and then your brain conjures up imageries of these strangers, as if you already know what they're like and the lives they've had. the most hearwrenching bits are the juxtaposed pictures of them in their healthy happy, almost carefree selves and then the next one of them not so.
http://www.lifebeforedeath.sg/honouring.html
i guess, at the end of it all, thats the whole point - to love and be loved. and im glad my dear nab has found someone to share her life with ;) now im wishing the same for all my dearest peoples as well. in any case, ecp and me will always be there!

but, i just like to dream

i cant stop listening to jem's flying high, theres something very beautiful about the song. sadly beautiful. also because i was tired and tried to sleep, but i cant seem to fall asleep.

i wonder if people still believe in The One, or as you age you simply find someone to be with. what are people thinking when they pick people up: love at first sight, maybe luck, or do they not trust this grand notion we call love, so much so they take it into their own hands. for ive always thought you'd know if someone is The One.
but i doubt that anyone who doesnt do anything is any different from them.

perhaps the feeling of feeling alive, being in the moment; dreaming up a thousand different possibilities of what might bes, what could bes, and what will bes- thats what love does to you.
but that isnt love.

then sometimes i think that, that part of me is done. ive loved, and therefore i am done.

how i wish i could write beautiful songs too;)

hello mister president

sometime early this morning i heard may totter out of her room and asked lulu about the results of the us elections. but i was too tired to get out of bed yet.
so the first thing i did when i woke up was to check the news. and there it is- barack obama, the new president of the united states.

the music video that caleb showed me still rings in my head, as does his speech in new hampshire primary after he lost, where 'yes we can' caught on. but since then ive been slightly wary of him winning, simply because of the overly positive reviews about him on the news (and the corresponding disapppointing news on mccain and his incredible palin); and also the zealously enthusiastic responses from (frivilous) young people, whom, i thought, were simply doing it cos it was the popular thing to do.

yet i cannot help but feel excited as i watched his victory speech on bbc; my goosebumps in his first few opening lines '.. tonight is your answer' ; his ease, his cool factor (as Time put it) and his charm; the way he smiles when he thanks michelle; and the very fact that the time has come, where we have come full circle of what martin luthur king has tried to achieve. and having read his biography earlier this year i cannot help but marvel at the way history has played out- all the bloodshed of the civil rights movement, rosa parks, the selma to montogmery march, and the very essence of the spirit of being an american, where everything is possible.

so i'm glad barack obama won. i cannot wait to see what he can do.

although it seems like he has already done so much.

'with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea, to shining sea- yes we can'

life

ive always kept a diaries, travel journals, and scrapbooks of kind. simply because i dont trust my own memory (i dont rem half the names of the people in lse after summer) although i claim to be very good with names and faces. strangely when i leave a place, ie when i left tkgs, i find that i could no longer recall everyone's names; remember the events that happened while i was in tkgs; funny incidents, stories, gossips, all the drama. so i rely on my little memory aids. i guess ive always felt very afraid of not being able to remember things about my life; that my life will simply pass me in a flash and i find that i have lived, but i cant remember for what and how it was.

alas my computer crashed when i went jc and all the camwhore pictures of myself in sec sch is now lost. (thank god, but still). then now, i realised that some of my pictures didnt manage to copy onto my ext hard disk, as a result i have now, once again, lost some snippets of my life to computer virus. sigh, i am truly sad. the funny thing is, the old pictures are all very intact, its the recent ones that i lost. mostly from last year, so i really should try not to lose anymore pictures of my life!

i am part 1 hear me roar

alright yes bock no more emo posts or else no one will want to talk to me ;)

i just read mr brown's blog and i came across this blog of this autistic lady. as some of you might know my cousin is autistic and therefore im always interested in reading stuff about autisitism and finding out more about it.
it amazes me at how this universe works- she is able to express herself perfectly well, it wouldnt be wrong for me to say that she might just express herself better and coherently than alot of young adults out there (me humbly included). the very first post talks about hatred and erasure- and she writes it with such wisdom its almost strange. yes she is autistic and she is unable to speak- she simply communicates in another manner which is not the norm.
i find my cousin highly artistic - he is extremely good with plasticine (i kid you not) the detailing of cartoon characters that he does leaves us in awe all the time. and i hear he's picked up piano and getting good at it.
im glad that they can do what they can do despite being labelled as autistic- strange as it sounds that one has to do so much just to prove a worth; i simply hope that this world has enough space (in their hearts) to accommodate their ways.

安宁

突然很想用华语表达自己,应该是因为很久没用母语交谈了,所以有点想念. 现在的心情比昨天的平静多了,思乡也较有次序;心,也几乎镇定多了. 原本已经定下的心又被起伏;瞬纳之间那些已被埋藏的情绪又回来了. 不想逃避的我,却发现地自己没有那种勇气. 但我想我已找到答案. ;)
就如我人生中其的故事, 这个也有个主题曲.

"我努力的想哭泣却哭不出泪滴
一次又一次的违心才发现早已麻痹
终于发现自己已经不在乎你
原来分手也能如此的安宁"

此时此刻,我想我是找到了安宁.以后的事,以后再说.

racism?

oprah has been running this series of awareness for domestic violence on her show for quite a while now; the current story involves this lady (who looks white but is actually mixed) who has been verbally abused by her husband from the very first day of their relationship, it gradually escalated into physical violence and even involved having her children ridicule her and being brainwashed by their father to put their mother down. one of the incidents actually included having the son videotape the abuse and participate in the abuse.

and people accuse oprah on her messageboards of racism. simpy because it shows a black man abusing a white woman.

i understand racism is still a very sensitive issue, and that, it essentially is wrong to discriminate or form judgments based on skin colour. but racism isnt the only issue in the world thats of pertinence; issues like domestic violence is as of equal importance. by focusing on the racism issue really takes the focus off what oprah has been trying to emphasise through her shows - that there are women out there who are in an abusive relationship and that they need a way out, a plan, to get out and live a life without fear of their husband's crazy whims.

but is there such a thing as trying too hard to make racism disappear?
from CNA, "Halimah Yacob, MP for Jurong GRC, said: "For instance, when I attend residents' wakes, I make sure I bring other races as well, so in Chinese wakes, there'll be Malays and Indians. In that way, we break the barriers. "
im not sure what this helps in breaking the barrier. bringing other races to wakes as an educational trip seems to belittle the sombreity of the wake. i understand her point- that we should have an inclusive programme, but i dont know. that statement doesnt seem to resonate with me.

of course there is always such a thing as striking a balance, which i think is quite hard to do. if you over address the issue it highlights the issue even more; leaving it in the dark sends signals of condoning the issue.

true, london deals with this issue by being indifferent. in many ways i guess being in london, and lse makes it easier for me (chinatown is so near;) i guess settling for indifference is always better than outright confrontation. as Avenue Q says, 'Everybody's a little bit racist!'

天天都有落叶, 特别是今夜

;)i really had alot of fun this afternoon with may, preparing our songs for tonight. but no matter how i try to justify the (really really bad) performance today, it all comes down to this - i have a confession to make. i get really bad stage frights. and even though ive been on the stage a thousand times, with choir, sometimes alone, been in front of crowds, talking, teaching, presenting, i still get really bad butterflies in my stomach. and it shows. sigh, its not one of those things where you can just 'go ahead and do it and it'd be alright'. and its not one of those things you can simply hide away because it shows;)
hm maybe i should reconsider my plans of being a travelling musician :)

on another note: i have a new drink creation. haha. its lemon sorbet in cream earl grey tea;) i made may drink it and she said it was nice! so one more item down into the little recipe book of the future shop that cheryl and i are gonna set up. (although as i type she doesnt know of this concoction yet)
;)

yes, we can.

everything about him has been refreshing and uplifting; the fact that he's so young, that he's of colour; or the fact that his speech writer is merely 26 years old. i am a woman who wants my rights, and i never could figure out how to choose between him or clinton. how do you make america choose between fighting for women or the coloured? but watching this video under the enthusiastic urging of caleb really made me think-
there is still so much we can do. ;)

"and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea -- yes, we can."

a rainy afternoon with jane austen

so i got home today and it started to rain really heavily. its been quite a cold day today, so i thought, well why not. made some tea, plopped down on my bed and started on karen joy fowler's 'the jane austen book club'.

i love reading books - its a cheap escape out of the real world. i feel like my world is widened with one more book read; then i wish that my whole life is all about reading books, and that i'd never stop. id just keep escaping into their little worlds.

and so on this random cold afternoon i feel a strong sense of wanting. wanting to go back to whats familiar, what defined me, who loves me, where id always have breakfasts in the mornings, and where the radio doesnt play alicia's keys' 'no one' ten thousand times over.
:)

little child, be not afraid

VIENNA TENG
Lullaby For a Stormy Night
words and music by Vienna Teng

little child, be not afraid.
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

little child, be not afraid
though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though wind makes creatures of our trees
and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand
and I am here tonight

for you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight

well now I am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

and I hope that you'll know...

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but I'll still be here in the morning

**
i always think of genia when i hear this song. ;)

just a few days ago i was telling cheng that things needn't always be awkward around people that you've loved before and is now past. 'open up your heart!' i told him. but i think ill take back my words. it really isnt easy, and sometimes we're just not ready to face each other, in the context of a new relationship. at least i know for sure thats the case for me and kiat. i thought i was ready, i thought i was cool with just being friends, but im not, and im not going to try anymore. because i think its really time i move on, get over him; so i dont hate myself for not being able to be the person i should be in this new relationship, so i dont try to pretend that im happy with the way things are. ;) i might just be happier not having to worry about all these!

well im just really glad i got to spend my last few days with the people i really love ;) going out and shopping and having dimsum and going out and shopping and having macs haha. sorry mummy and daddy that i kinda burnt a hole in my pocket but hey its the mid seasons sale and things were really going for really low prices. got myself a new pair of boots (frm primark though but hey its really pretty and decent( okay i dont know bout the child labour thg okay tan en so ill just pretend i erm dont know :D) ) and lots of other stuff as well. maybe ill start dressing up for sch. these days i just wake up half an hour before sch starts, bathe, check email, pile on ugly clothes and head out in ugly grumpy face. lets hope new pretty clothes will make me happyyy
;)